Meet Arnold, the Bominable Snowman.
A Stroke of the Pen: The Lost Stories, published in 2023, collected 20 rediscovered tales from when Terry wrote under a pseudonym back in the 1970s and 1980s. At the time these were believed to be the last short stories of his. But, we were wrong.
After the publication of A Stroke of the Pen, one final tale was found and subsequently published in the paperback edition. However, as it was not available in the original hardback, we are delighted to share Arnold, the Bominable Snowman below, for free, in its entirety for readers to enjoy.
Once upon a time there was a snowman. He wasn’t an abominable one, like the ones that grunt and sneeze up on distant Tibetan mountains, but quite English and completely bominable.
He was built by some children, but when everyone had gone to bed he jumped around the lawn and waved his arms to keep warm.
‘Blow this for a lark,’ he said. ‘Those kids ought to know it takes more than a jumble sale hat and three bits of coal stuck down your tummy to keep you warm on frosty nights!’
There was a bang and a shower of sparks and a tall lady appeared as if by magic. She was wearing a very severe business suit and horn-rimmed glasses, and was peering at a list.
‘I’m your fairy godmother,’ she said, uncertainly.
‘I didn’t know snowmen had fairy godmothers,’ said the snowman. You must admit it sounds a bit unlikely.
‘I dunno,’ said the lady. ‘You’re on my list. A. Snowman, it says here.’
‘That’s A for Arnold,’ said Arnold Snowman.
‘Well, Arnold, I’m empowered to grant you a wish under the Magic Wishes (Wishful Thinking) Act, Clause 19a. Be quick – I’ve got several other calls to make!’
Quick as a flash Arnold Snowman said: ‘I’d like a nice warm overcoat!’
Well, of course, he very nearly melted when he wore it. When his fairy godmother came back he was half his normal size.
So instead he asked for a nice warm fire.
That kept him warm too, but melted him just the same. In fact, if there hadn’t been a power cut he’d have melted clean away.
‘You’re a pretty ignorant snowman, and snowmen aren’t generally very brainy,’ said his fairy godmother. ‘You’ve got one last wish – and don’t ask for something daft like a plateful of curry.’
Soon the sun came up and a thaw set in, and at last Arnold Snowman burst out: ‘I want to be somewhere nice and cold!’
And who should be passing by but the manager of a frozen fish-fingers firm who saw that Arnold Snowman could keep cool in an emergency. He offered him a job on the spot as head packer in the very coldest of the frozen-fish warehouses, with good wages and the chance of promotion to Chief Breadcrumb Sprinkler.
And because Arnold Snowman was such a cool customer he soon made enough money to retire to a deckchair at the North Pole.
MORAL: Electricity is clean, quick, efficient and scarce. It’s smart to be cool. And if you’re a snowman you’re bound to get on.
Illustration by Alicia Adams, winner of Penguin’s contest.
Read more of Terry Pratchett’s lost stories in A Stroke of the Pen.